Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Im torn. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. maybe im misunderstanding you. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Really? ele4phant As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. definitely not enough information here. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. allathian Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. GatorGirl I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. GatorGirl So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Yeah, but every weekend? Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. I think I need more info. Yeah, I agree with ron. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Well. I thought the same thing. Thats on you. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. I know many families like this. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Not youre wrong and you have to change. I have friends who are engaged and live together. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Some peoples parents are just like that. Maybe something is up with his family? It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Laura Hope Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Your Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Play frisbee in the park! ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. However, I think the SpaceySteph Yes, this. Or pick berries. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. , silver_dragon_girl You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. right! Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. ReginaRey At least, most of the time. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. how do we divide furniture? She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Pronouns made that a little less clear. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Five months later I was pregnant. barf. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Hes going to choose you. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Share that with your boyfriend as well. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. GatorGirl I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Have you tried just not going? But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. I can see it both ways. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. ForeverYoung Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. demoiselle Make plans for activities. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. On the weekends he spends at If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. . everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Too much info missing. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! It would be a lot of some, but we like it. artsygirl The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Who does that? Its hard not knowing when a passing will The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Addie Pray January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. muchachaenlaventana The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! 03/07/2022 08:00. What about visiting your parents? January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Eh. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. LW real advice. Parents get old and die. She should say something about it to the BF at least. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Oh yeah I forgot about that. ele4phant January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. This is typically how this dynamic functions. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. silver_dragon_girl FireStar So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. I like to relax at home. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. The LW may be overreacting. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. allathian Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. 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