Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. +1 absolutely, always. Go to a concert and it doesnt have to be Jay-Z and Beyonce. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. Please think about this carefully. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) This, again, is part of why we dont have a good relationship). I love math and logic puzzles, but I recognize that many math problems exist in a world with clearly defined rules and variables. Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. When my sister who is also my best friend has something shes trying to do, like not eat badly, or do X activity for two weeks, I ask her ahead of time before she starts what if anything she wants me to do. Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. Being The One Who Helps gives you a bit of power and a (falsely) elevated self-esteem. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. One of my partners was doing something like this for a spell there. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. And exercise does help me it does! I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. If the title is in your name the vehicle belongs to you and if he refuses to return it and has it you may want to call the police and report it stolen. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. And when I broke up with him that was what I told him. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. Similarly, she may love him and think he is perfect, if he only didnt do XYZ. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) Mood swings. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. Most guys will be nice to their friends girl, but usually not overly so. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. You know everything he said is true. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. But in my mind, that state of challenge turns into a nightmare if thats ALL youre doing. Leave now. Because cookies were next to my bed. Well. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. What kind of phrases should I NOT say? And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. Best of luck and all my thoughts. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. Your email address will not be published. Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? We both loved science fiction. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). What about Y and Z? it makes me feel bad that you arent acknowledging what I already did. He was not doing it to be a dick; he was doing it because X reminded him of Y and Z, and so he was being helpful, in his eyes. He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. Whatever you could do today is enough. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. Terrified. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. It sounds like you two have a chance. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. Even if you end up staying, youll be on much better footing if you know youre not bound there by circumstance. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. I dont know if that makes sense? LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. So boyfriend needs to read up on stuff about mental health issues PRONTO. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. (wanting to control you in not good ways), Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. I want to challenge this. Exactly. This is not a democracy. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. His only motivation to change is to stop you. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. The world outside of math isnt like that. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). This isnt sustainable. The goalposts will keep moving. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? Thank you. 3. Then he can treat you even worse. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. In the former case, dump him and run. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. The way he goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre not good enough for me. I love it!! With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. Even when I was rebuilding my social life from zero, I was happier and more confident presenting myself as a person than as an untrustworthy and possibly unsightly appendage to another person. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? You cant have all your food be treats otherwise youre not actually eating healthy food, but they are needed or you burn out and develop an eating disorder. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. My partner and I love the ideas of self improvement, but as with most folks, we often talk more about it than do it. He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. Dear LW, Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. 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